July 26th, 2019 1:09am, Addyson Jean Zingarelli was born
July 26th, 2019 1:10am, Mariah Zingarelli, a newborn mother, was born.
Nothing will ever compare to the birth of your first born.
When they were born, so were you. You shed your previous self and became a newborn mother.
You start to feel the transition when you’re pregnant.
Putting your baby first, counting kicks, and worrying that everything is going okay.
But nothing compares to the moment they enter the world and you hear the most beautiful sound: their very first cry.
I always dreamt of the day I would become a mom. And when I got pregnant, I thought of the moment I would meet her over and over and over again. But nothing prepared me for the reality of the moment.
I was on the operating table shaking uncontrollably from the epidural, worrying if everything was okay. My husband sitting behind me rubbing my shoulder but frozen in fear.
He was woken up from a quick nap to be rushed into the operating room for an emergency C-section.
We both were in the room feeling like we weren’t even in our own bodies but just watching from afar.
But the second we heard her cry, everything changed.
My husband went through the biggest transformation in that moment. He didn’t have the luxury of carrying her for 9 months and getting to know her movements. He didn’t get the constant reminder that as his body changed, his life was changing.
He didn’t get any of that. But he did get to hold her and see her first, and that’s when a newborn father was born.
A moment later they brought her to my eye level and I saw the most beautiful baby in the entire world. That’s when a newborn mother was born.
A Mother Is Born
I think the moment I became a mom was a few hours after her birth they brought us into our postpartum room. I was shocked to find out the baby wasn’t going to be hooked up to any monitors and that a nurse wasn’t going to come in every hour to change diapers or help us feed her.
I was under the impression that while in the hospital the nurses did everything. So when they laughed and told me “no, you’re mom now”, I was genuinely confused. I have been awake & haven’t for 24+ hours, just had a major surgery, and couldn’t even feel my legs. What do you mean “I’m mom now”?!
I was throwing up uncontrollably from the epidural and not eating but baby girl was crying for food. My husband brought her to me and tried to get her to latch while my head was turned throwing up.
That’s when I felt like the first time I was a mom. It didn’t matter what I was going through or feeling, my baby needed to eat and I was her source of food.
It’s true when your baby is born, you don’t really matter anymore. No matter what your birth experience was, everyone is instantly concerned about baby. I was never resentful about that and honestly all I wanted to focus on was the baby.
But when we got home and I’m recovering from the C-section, that’s when I struggled a little. I felt scared and alone at 3am when I was in so much pain but this baby needed me. All I wanted was to sleep while this “village” of people I always heard you needed, took care of her for me. But then I also didn’t want to miss one moment and wanted to be there for her no matter what.
During those first few days my baby was learning the new world around her, and so was I. I was learning to put myself on the back burner and cater to her every need. She went through so much more than I could ever imagine, I felt like how could I even be selfish and worry about the pain I’m in.
Those are the moments that I started realizing I was falling into my new role as a mother. This is my life and I am devoted to this tiny human I created.
Being almost 2 months postpartum, I learn something new about myself & baby every single day. I am also learning that it’s okay to struggle and it’s okay to not feel good at times.
Since baby girl has been born I have struggled with self-esteem, loneliness, confinement, and the ability to be a mom.
But every time I hold her and see that beautiful smile looking up at me, everything vanishes away.
Because we are one soul in two bodies. And I am still learning about who I am as a mother and as baby grows, so will I.
I don’t expect to have all the answers and I don’t expect to ever have it all figured out. But I allow myself to celebrate every mom victory (like when I packed a bottle just incase she got hungry and she did but the bottle avoided a total meltdown). And I give myself forgiveness for the mistakes I make (like the time I put her in a short sleeve romper because it was hot outside but she got cold and so snotty because it was cold inside).
I guess the point of this whole rambling post is to be kind with yourself. Don’t feel ashamed if you are stressed, tired, and just feel like sleeping & crying. Try to not be too hard on your body and do what you need to do every day to feel good about yourself. Even if that means strapping the baby to your chest while you do your make up.
Remember, during these times you are learning a new world just like your baby is.
Be kind and gentle to yourself.
And no matter what, you f**king rock mama.