Trauma & Cycle Breaking:
Life as we know it is significantly influenced by three foundational types of trauma and cycles: generational trauma & cycles, childhood trauma & cycles, and adult trauma & cycles. Each of these holds weight over our thought patterns, health, reactions to circumstances, and so much more.
The majority of people tend to fixate on the first two categories. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that at some point, we establish cycles in our adult life that are entirely our own. Although they may bear the imprint of traumas #1 and #2, at the end of the day, these cycles are OURS. It’s often far easier to cast blame than to assume responsibility.
For the last 15 years, I reveled in my victimhood. It seemed comforting to attribute the constant state of anger, pain, and combativeness I found myself in to others, rather than taking ownership. I couldn’t stomach the idea that perhaps the cycles and thought patterns I permitted in my life were the same ones perpetuating these cycles.
I could justify my temper, claiming it’s because my father yelled at me during my childhood or the things he put me through in my parents divorce. I could wallow in past moments, blaming my current state on past traumas, asserting that it’s HIS cycle I’m attempting to break. But, in reality, it’s mine. Our reactions to life situations can be influenced, but they are always unequivocally ours. For a time, we can attribute our behaviors to our parents, grandparents, THEIR grandparents, citing curses, traumas, cycles – whatever terminology we prefer.
But ultimately, WE determine how these elements impact our lives and, more importantly, the cycles WE establish.
I have always put on a brave face. I’ve portrayed positivity externally, offering uplifting words to others during tough times. In contrast, I’ve lived internally in a victim mindset, a cycle of fury so profound that I could find numerous reasons to be outraged. The prospect of being a victim anytime I could seemed more convenient than taking responsibility. According to the universal laws, like attracts like.
Being a victim in childhood, which I was, transitioned into my adult life. The anger I failed to resolve lingered on. I didn’t need to acknowledge my own issues or faults, as so many people sympathized with my adolescent experiences. I was merely reacting to generational trauma and cycles established during my childhood. It’s everyone else’s problem, not mine, I reasoned.
Then more opportunities for victimhood emerged – miscarriages, health issues, difficulties parenting, even being roofied at a concert. But again—none of these were my fault. I was a victim. They were cycles and instances happening TO me.
Fuck that. It hasn’t served me well. It has permitted the recurrence of behaviors I’m ashamed of, justified by reasons such as generational trauma, childhood repercussions, and ‘daddy issues’.
As I approach the end of my twenties, I’ve witnessed an abundance of things to be grateful for. There have been numerous signs from the universe and incredible occurrences that have made me weary of the cycle of misery I’ve crafted for myself. I’m exhausted from being my own worst enemy, having relentless battles in my mind.
Nothing happens TO me. Whatever enters my life, I allow it. My reactions are not automated or shaped by my childhood experiences. They are chosen because they feel convenient. It’s easier to perpetuate toxic, predictable cycles and give homage to the victim within me than to genuinely heal.
A frightened little girl lives inside me who doesn’t feel heard, worthwhile, or valuable. To shield her, I’ve cast everyone else as the problem. I’ve blown minor things out of proportion, and worse, I’ve let colossal traumatic event happen without investing even a DAY trying to heal or process them. I swiftly moved past it, hoarding the anger, pain, and confusion to fuel this self-perpetuating cycle. Having a reason made it all so much easier.
Now, I am concentrating on comprehension, observation, identification, and healing. I am confronting myself, not to evoke more shame, anger, or self-loathing, but to understand WHY I am the way I am. Why do I react to certain things? How do I sabotage my own success and happiness? And what are the roots of such behaviors?
With this understanding comes release, healing, and an onslaught of emotions accumulated over 15 years that are difficult to handle. But it also paves the way to peace, self-compassion, better relationships, and unconditional love for myself. Unconditional love doesn’t demand perfection, or even proximity to it. Unconditional love simply is – it embraces both the good and the bad. I will gift myself this love, and in return, the more I feel it for myself, the more I can offer it to others. I am filling up my own cup, not by disconnecting from the world but by showing up for myself. I will face my own demons. I will not allow myself to be a victim, regardless of what I’ve endured. I will appreciate myself for the remarkable woman that I am. And to truly love myself, I need to be brave and committed to improving myself. I believe she is within me, and I’ve erected a stone wall to safeguard her. It’s time to dismantle that wall, embrace whatever comes forth, and work through it, not rush past it.
Here’s to healing, bitches!
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