When I said 2022 was going to be my year, I meant it. Not just for “measurable successes” but because I really meant this was going to be the year I challenged myself. The year I push myself. The year that I really grow. For the first time ever, growth has really embodied me.
This blog is weird for me to right because it’s uncomfortable for me to knowledge growth and success as well as to take accountability. Feelings are strange. But as I learn more about how to manage my 2 year-olds feelings, I realize I have to manage mine. And anyone who has ever known me, has seen my stubbornness and dramatics. This year I decided I wasn’t going to be a victim of my mentality. If I say something, I’m going to do it. No more false accountability.
And let me say, the last three months have been wild. When you make an active decision to grow and change it’s like EVERYTHING comes out of the woodworks to test you and set you back in your old ways. For me, I felt deeply called for whole person growth. If I say I’m going to do it- I need to do it. I need to look at life for what it is- truly fucking beautiful. No matter what we are going through- you can’t deny that the fact in this day, in this time, with your life and the tall mountains and vast oceans- YOU ARE ALIVE. That has really taken me over these last 3 months. I am alive. How cool is that.
Going back to my point, it seems that you get tested in the worst ways. And when I stopped caving into old habits, easy outs, “this is who I am” mentality- I started seeing small steps. And I’ve started to learn to celebrate these small successes. Initiate self-talk. Praise yourself for every single step. Because when you start seeing the small things you are doing, those build up. You continue to set that as your new standard. Then from there you make another small step which becomes your new standard. And over time we build these blocks up that raise us and our personal standards to where we want to be.
I really wanted to grow as a mom, wife, entrepreneur, friend, and how I felt about myself as a person. This isn’t by the way me bashing myself. It’s me recognizing parts of myself or my life that don’t make me feel good or steered me in the opposite direction of my goals and who I see myself being.
So I’ve been doing a lot of self-talk. Before this I never talked to myself. I mean I would keep a running to do list, repeat in my head things I read, and a little creative thinking. But I haven’t let myself sit with me and really talk things through. That changed this year. It has been uncomfortable but the most transformative thing I can do. Because I start to catch myself warning myself and I listen to it. I listen to that internal push to break these habits, to set higher standards.
It’s also started to bring me balance. I am realizing that time will not change. If I rush through things or allow myself to worry and be elsewhere, then all that’s happening is I am losing that moment of being alive. So now I’m realizing “it is what it is” isn’t a lazy attitude. It is allowing what is to be and teaching you to work around it. My to do list doesn’t change but my quality does. When I clean I am more mindful because I’m not thinking of what else I need to do or should be doing. I am focusing on cleaning the best I can so I don’t have to do it later. When I am playing a game with Addy or have my afternoons with her, I’m not thinking of the cleaning or the to do list or work. I started thinking about what can we do in this moment that would align with what I’m working towards? And that usually leads us to more bonding, less time on my phone, and more focused activities. I am going to start one task, finish it, and move onto the next. I might have a million things going on but I am not going to half ass 10 things at once- I am going to whole ass one thing and move on. (Parks & rec anyone?!)
And last night, when I laid down, I felt so giddy. It was weird. I am a little stressed and tense with everything going on (good things, just a lot) but last night I felt excited. I felt giddy. And I actually felt kind of proud. Proud of the day I had. Proud of who I showed up as yesterday. I stopped focusing on measurable success and goals, something I can cross off, but I shifted to really understanding my only goal is to enjoy life. To just focus on what I did today. Can I own today? Can I show up all day as who I want to be? And I move through the day asking myself if this aligns. If it doesn’t that’s where the growth comes in to make a different decision in that moment. Or if I don’t and I fall back in small habits- then it’s up to me to recognize that and do better next time. That my measurable successes will be accomplished when I start enjoying life and aligning with who I want to be. Because now everything has a purpose. Everything has a meaning. And every day we are growing, especially on the days we make mistakes.
