What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life?!

Some days I ask myself that question, other days I get asked that question.

Seriously- what the hell am I doing with my life?

I guess over time I have learned to respond with- living. 

Ever since I was a little, little girl I have had big dreams, been erratic, and extremely impulsive. Those closest to me know when I make my mind up about something I’m going to do it.

Until I get bored…

…and decide to do something else.

I guess that’s where the erraticness and impulsiveness comes in.

This trait of mine has been a love/hate struggle my entire life. Sometimes I love this quality about me so damn much and other times I actually feel ashamed over the way I am.

But about a year ago I decided f*ck it, and I am just going to be me and live my damn life.

I am living the one life I am given.

Let me explain

At 14 years old I wanted a dog SO bad. I made my parents a powerpoint presentation of WHY I needed a dog and how they were neglecting me by not allowing me to have a dog.

I got the dog, then Christmas Break was over and Bella became my mom’s dog…then my Grandmas. (and now back to my mom)

At 16 years old I decided I was going on a 3 month Europe vacation when I graduated and so I opened up my own business and hustled the shit out of homemade fleece blankets.

But then I decided I wanted a car more so I bought my first car: a 1989 Pink POS with psychedelic fabric stapled to the roof of the car (and lots of weed found in the tires/under seats).

And the pattern has continued to this very day.

When I decided I was moving out, I literally packed up and moved out the next day (for no reason, my mom is my best friend). I found an apartment online I liked, went that afternoon and signed my very first lease with a friend who on a whim wanted to move out too, and next day we were moving in.

Then there were more dogs, cats, chickens, a duck, and a pig. And no, I don’t live on a farm. Most of those were brought to my very small apartment shared with 3 other people.

DISCLAIMER: all animals that weren’t kept were rehomed to their forever home and saved from euthanization. 

I have started countless clubs, gone back to school a million times, and swore I have found my destiny.

I went to esthetician school, practiced make up for local photographers, sold skin care in direct sales, and even got my real estate license. You know, for shits and gigs.

And people still ask me, “are you still doing real estate?”. First off, I got my license, sold one home (to my mom), and decided I needed a steadier income and HATED being in homes with strangers.

Money, drive, passion, and self-dependency has always fueled my hustles but I haven’t found my true destiny and I realized that’s all I’ve been searching for.

I am the definition of a Hot Mess.

But I’m a hard working, driven, motivated hot mess and that’s what I’ve learned to love about myself.

For everything I’ve quit, there have been a hundred things I’ve actually accomplished and kicked ass at.

That gave me so much confidence because 1- I realized I really do create my own destiny and 2- I can literally do whatever I want in this life.

We are given ONE life. Why let that life be boring? Why continue to do things that bring you no joy?

So, what the hell am I doing with my life today?

Well, in this present moment I am attending Coach Training World to get my life coach certification.

I am running a blog and Instagram (which theme seems to constantly evolve).

I am back with direct sales selling Arbonne.

I am learning to be a stay-at-home wife and mom and how to care for my family.

I am learning patience, compassion, and love.

And my “5 year plan” right now is to be happy and in love.

Do I have any actual long term goals?

I do. I want to open an Animal Sanctuary and help stray, abandoned animals. It’s been a dream of mine much longer than a day or month, and I hope it’s something I let my passion and drive fuel me to accomplish with my family.

But the moral of this rambly blog is to live your life. Live your life for YOU. You are not on any schedule. You don’t have to pick one career and stick with it for the next 50 years. Try new things. Take a chance on yourself.

Remember, all that matters in life is your happiness. In 80/90 years you are not going to be worried about what people thought about you. Instead, you are going to wish you did more, lived more, loved harder, and followed your dreams.

And if those dreams change every few months, that’s okay too. Give your all until you have nothing left to give.

I promise you won’t regret it.

Much love,

Mariah